Please, everyone say a prayer for Shirley Cody. And for Matt and his family.

Thanks.

Aloha!

Sorry about the lack of blog. I'm currently on a beach in Hawaii watching the waves roll in. Here comes a handsome cabana boy bringing me a mai tai! Matt's off taking a hula lesson, it's great! Wish you were here!

Ah, bonny Scotland

I hear bagpipes! There must be a parade! I love the sound of bagpipes more than anything in the world. It reminds me of Edinburgh and mist and castles and people with milky white skin.

That's all. Bagpipes.

Oh, and my cat's pissing blood again.

Ah, love: Part Deux

I'm in a crappy mood so here's a small list of things I love. Bear with me.

- Little kids who insist on wearing costumes in public. Today I trailed a tiny but proud ballerina.
- Small dogs. Preferably ones wearing outfits.
- The smell when I walk by Little Pie Company. (Sour Cream Apple Walnut, how I love thee.)
- Killing tiny gnat things.

I know there's more but I'm busy supressing an Excessive Amount of Preciousness vomit.

Ah, love.

It's Dan and Suzannah's anniversary today! (Or at least it is if you're reading this on Sunday.) I attended their gorgeous wedding and I can honestly say it was one of the best ones I've ever been to. Since Matt and I introduced them, frankly I think that we should be the ones getting the gifts. What's the first anniversary? Paper? I'd like some paper, please.

I'm under attack!

Is this because I'm merciless about killing the stupid little gnat-things that keep attacking my plants? Am I under fire because I sometimes I spray them with organic bug killer and (occasionally) yell "You mutherfuckers are DEAD!" at their writhing, soon-to-be-little-gnatty-corpses? Maybe it's because I (occasionally) move gawking, slow-moving tourists out of my way with a "MOVE!" or a not-so-subtle shoulder bump? (But only if they're really, really bothering me. And that should be completely acceptable.) Not ONLY is Unemployment the biggest monkey on my back since my battle with crack in '92 (Kidding, friends of mom's. Kidding!) Not ONLY are we broke enough for me to raid the change jar (AKA "the retirement fund) for cat food money... Not ONLY am I reduced to stealing rich people's bread from catering jobs (bread they were going to throw out anyway, but still)... but now I have a COLD SORE! And it's a big one too, not some manageable little bump on my lower lip, the kind where your mouth gets all puffy and you can pretend you're Angelina Jolie. It's on my CHIN! (Actually in the divit right under your bottom lip before your chin.) How do I know this isn't some benign clogged pore? Because those of us with cold sores know - that tell-tale tingle, that itch... FUCK!

WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?!!!

(It's probably not good to mock God at this point, is it? Shit.)

Bite my ass, Unemployment representative. Bite it.

Yeah, I'm so busy banging my head against a wall over battles with the Unemployment office that posting would be nothing more than mind-numbing rants against the system. A system so Byzantine even their own employees can't keep the rules straight, so how the hell I'm expected to... GOAUREOQWUROWEROUI! (yes, that was frustration typing.) I was actually yelled at - YELLED AT! - by a representative. Okay, now I have to vent: I'm in a MS Word class so that I can get a real job and not have to schlep food for the rest of my days. This class takes place MWF nights - 3 nights a week, 3 hours a night, for 6 weeks. Now you would think that job training - something that the unemployment folks keep screeching about needing - would be rewarded. Not so much. What it means is:

- If catering calls and I have class, I "turned down a job offer". They will then stop my claim, launch an investigation.
- If catering doesn't call, it doesn't matter because I was "unavailable for work" those 3 days which renders me ineligable for benefits that week.
- Because classes are at night, that means I was available for work during the day - regardless of the fact that is evening work. If classes had been during the day, there wouldn't have been a problem.

Basically, for the next 6 weeks, I'm screwed. This is the slow season in catering (which is why I took this class) so there's very little work on the other days.

I'm gonna be eating dog food.

I love catering.

The end is near. I'm actually considering taking a "real" job. Scratch that - Not considering, HOPING. Not that I've been offered said job, but if I am I will gladly, gratefully, willingly take it, I think. Maybe it's the constant stress of living paycheck-to-paycheck (not that people with jobs don't live that way, thank you Mr. Bush) or the nonstop hamster-on-wheel race of catering/babysitting/catsitting/freelance writing/auditioning/praying that's wearing my ass down. Which is better - financial security (or relative financial security, enough to go on vacation, pay bills, dig your way out of debt, raise a family) but little in the way of free-time, or plenty of free-time but no money? Would you trade?

Yeah, this'll sell!

I had an audition today for a voiceover for Dunkin' Donuts. They're launching a new coffee drink, the name of which could use a little work:

Turtle Nut Iced Coffee

Now I'm sure they spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on focus groups and charts and God knows what else to come up with this, but if the guffaws coming from the auditionees is any indication, they should've spent a little more. Turtle Nut iced coffee?! ("Now with 25% more turtle!") What, was "Monkey Scrotum Latte" already taken?

Jesus.

I love men in hats.

I was walking to Duane Reade yesterday (the Walgreen's of these parts) when I noticed a rather dapper looking black man in his mid-late 50's standing on the corner. He was dolled up in his (slightly threadbare) Sunday best and appeared to be wishing everyone good morning. I was immediately wary because this sort of behavior is often accompanied by some "JE-sus died for you"/anti-abortion booshit and I just can't take that crap first thing in the morning but this guy was just... shaking hands. As I got closer he smiled, held out his hand and wished me a hearty "Good Morning!" so I shook his hand and uttered a less enthusiastic if still sincere "Good Morning" back. With a slight bow and a "God bless you!" he proceeded to kiss the back of my hand. Not knowing quite how to respond I said, "Right back at ya!" which cracked him up. As I continued on I heard him call after me, "You're gonna have a good day! A good day!"

And whattdya know, I did!

Hiatus

Birds do it, bees do it, television shows do it... I need to take a small hiatus (2-3 days) until I get some things sorted out on my end. (Nothing monumental, just work-related crap.) If something too good not to report comes up, you know I'll tell you.

In the meantime, Happy Thoughts! Happy Thoughts!

I dumb.

It's official: unless it pertains to celebrities or food, I don't know shit. "Billy" and his homework - his third grade homework - might just be the death of me. Scoff if you will but here's a little quiz, culled directly from this eve's homework. Parents of school-age children need not apply.

- Define "archipeligo" and "isthmus". (Don't cheat and be all, 'It's got something to do with water'. Seriously, when was the last time you even said the word "isthmus"?)
- Write the alphabet in the correct cursive script. Not the bastardized scribble you use now; I'm talking the real deal with all the stupid curliques and swoops and, God, STUFF! You think you remember how to do it but you're wrong.

Don't get me started on math. We will definitely not be homeschooling.

This just in

Apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are engaged. She's joining the Scientology "church" and leaving her agent to go with Tom's rep (also rumored to be a Scientologist.)

This is going to turn out well, I just know it.