I'm under attack!

Is this because I'm merciless about killing the stupid little gnat-things that keep attacking my plants? Am I under fire because I sometimes I spray them with organic bug killer and (occasionally) yell "You mutherfuckers are DEAD!" at their writhing, soon-to-be-little-gnatty-corpses? Maybe it's because I (occasionally) move gawking, slow-moving tourists out of my way with a "MOVE!" or a not-so-subtle shoulder bump? (But only if they're really, really bothering me. And that should be completely acceptable.) Not ONLY is Unemployment the biggest monkey on my back since my battle with crack in '92 (Kidding, friends of mom's. Kidding!) Not ONLY are we broke enough for me to raid the change jar (AKA "the retirement fund) for cat food money... Not ONLY am I reduced to stealing rich people's bread from catering jobs (bread they were going to throw out anyway, but still)... but now I have a COLD SORE! And it's a big one too, not some manageable little bump on my lower lip, the kind where your mouth gets all puffy and you can pretend you're Angelina Jolie. It's on my CHIN! (Actually in the divit right under your bottom lip before your chin.) How do I know this isn't some benign clogged pore? Because those of us with cold sores know - that tell-tale tingle, that itch... FUCK!

WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?!!!

(It's probably not good to mock God at this point, is it? Shit.)