Why hello, soapbox.

Have any of you heard about that new diet drug Alli? I'm sure you've seen it at drug stores - cute packaging, friendly name. While I've never actually tried anything like that (unless you count Slimfast or those those stupid blue pills for water retention everybody took in high school) if I were to take a diet drug, I'd probably gravitate toward something like Alli. (And yes, I totally thought it was pronounced like "Ali". Vanity, they name is McKinney.) After all, it totally wants to be my friend!

You know where this is going, right?

So the way this drug works is that it blocks the absorption of fat. Which means that the fat is forced to go elsewhere. Like out your butt. Remember Olestra? Alli is Olestra in pill form. Which means, in techo-speak, there will be "treatment effects".

Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Oh.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

loose stools

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

And my favorite:

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

They interviewed a woman on NPR who was taking the drug and asked her if she had experienced any of the so-called "effects". She said that indeed she had. "But I had eaten a big plate of nachos that night so it was probably the cheese that did it."

Here's where I climb up on my Mt. Olympus-sized horse: If you are taking a diet drug, why on earth are you eating a BIG PLATE OF NACHOS? Don't get me wrong, I'm Hypocrite Numero Uno when it comes to all things food related but if someone is desperate enough to ingest (highly suspect) pharmaceutical drugs in order to shed a few, perhaps the nachos should wait. Especially when there's a strong possibility that those nachos will lead to anal leakage.

On a vaguely related note, overheard this bit of brilliance on a crowded subway car yesterday -

"You people better keep pushing in 'cause I've got a BIG ASS."

Genius.