Don't get me started...

My agent called me in to re-sign which was lovely and unexpected, seeing as how I haven't booked anything except a bottom-barrel voiceover in almost a year (and now that I look like I've swallowed a basketball, that doesn't seem liable to change any time soon). I got even more excited when my agent started piling on the sweet talk, whispering how he was "dying to see the bump" and "couldn't wait to see me". Since it's a well-established rule that, aside from bookings, my agents are never excited to see me, I was pretty psyched. I figured maybe this time we'd actually converse, unlike our normal routine. (I wander by his office, he's busy on the phone, I wave sheepishly, he holds up his finger in the universally accepted "Hold on a sec" position, I hover in the doorway, he continues taking calls, I shift uncomfortably, he continues taking calls, I feign interest in the paint job, he continues taking calls... Lather, rinse, repeat. Good times.) I grab a seat and smile at this week's assistants (they rotate them out so fast, I no longer bother learning names) and wait to be called.

I wait.

And wait.

Finally Assistant #1 turns and thrusts a stack of forms towards me. "SIGN, DON'T DATE," she says before returning to the phones.

Erm, okay.

I sign (DON'T DATE!), keeping one eye one the hallway. Surely my agent will be back by the time I'm finished signing my life away.

I finish signing my life away. The office is still empty.

"So will Michael be back any time soon?," I say, feigning casualness. "He said he wanted to meet with me."

"Nah, probably not," Assistant #2 says, shoving a hunk of crumb cake into his mouth, his eyes never leaving the screen. "He's in a really big meeting. Everyone in the agency is there. Miss USA wants to sign."

Oh.

"Yeah, he'll probably be in there awhile," he continues, brushing powdered sugar off his power tie. "I hear she's a really important Miss USA."

Oh.

I mean I get it. I may be great but I am no Miss USA. And I'm certainly not a "really important" Miss USA. Which begs the question, Has there ever been a really important Miss USA?

*Psst - ever wonder what assistants discuss when you're not around? Or in my case, when you are around but not important enough to try and impress? A sample:

"What's the difference between crumb cake and a muffin anyway?"

"I think crumb cake has the crumb topping and a muffin doesn't."

"But some muffins have toppings. Does that make them cake?"

"Um, unless it says it's low-fat, then... yes."

Good times.