Next time I'm saying I'm a tourist.

For those that don't live in the Big Apple, the morning rush hour commute is nothing short of horrible. (I assume it's horrible everywhere else too, but at least you don't have to be smushed up close to someone with questionable hygene habits. Unless that person is you, in which case you probably don't notice.) A few days ago I was running late so I hauled ass to the subway just in time to see fifty sluggish high school students lumped around the turnstiles. Okay, I should've just walked the extra two blocks to the other entrance. Really, a smart person would have known that Field Trip + Early Morning Commute + Text Messaging Teens equals Madness but instead I decided to stay there, hoping one of them would notice my impatience and be courteous enough to let me through. I waited. And waited. And - OHMYGODWILLYOUJUSTMOVEALREADY - waited. Just then a woman, equally tired of waiting behind the pimpled masses, pushed open the emergency gate and walked on through. I'm not sure what I was thinking, aside from the obvious ("MUST! MAKE! TRAIN!") but if you think I didn't walk through that open door too, you don't know me at all.

"ES-CUSE me, MA'AM!"

That's when it hit me. I hadn't swiped my Metrocard. The world's tiniest lady cop came running at me like I'd just shot the president.

"ES-AKLY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, MA'AM?"

Er, whoops.

"YOU JUS' BARGED THROUGH THERE WIDOUT PAYING YOUR TOLL, MA'AM!"

Er, whoops.

She looked me up and down, assessing my threat to national security. I tried everything to convince her I wasn't a terrorist. Excuses were stammered ("Teenagers!", "Train!"), there were several attempts at appeasement ("I swear I wasn't trying to skip the toll! I have a monthly card! Technically I've already paid!"). I even tried my best grin - the one that sells stuff on TV. She looked up at me and immediately called for backup.

"DO YOU HAVE I.D., MA'AM?"

Little Ladycop studied my driver's license, looking at it and looking at me. Looking at it and looking at me. I attempted to replicate the shot on my license as backup arrived. Backup Ladycop was many things, but "little" wasn't one of them. Imagine a black Lou Ferrigno with tits and you'll have some idea who I was dealing with.

"You know that you have a Kansas driver's license."

Both cops stared at me. I wasn't sure what they were hoping for since "You have a Kansas driver's license" wasn't really a question. I began to explain that, while I was a New Yorker, my old New York license had expired which meant that I had to go to the Manhattan DMV which is the eighteenth circle of Hell and since you couldn't PAY me to take a driver's test in Manhattan, I just decided to get a Kansas license while I was home visiting my mother and I simply hadn't had the chance to go back to the DMV and get it switched over because, see, they're only open Monday through Friday and I work all week and I just haven't had the wherewithall to take a day off from work to go stand in line for six to eight hours and...

"DO YOU HAVE ANY WARRENTS OR PRI-AHS?"

I assured her that (normally) I was very, very law-abiding. She sighed loudly and proceeded to write out a VERY LARGE ticket. I refrained from making disparaging remarks about how fulfilling her life must be, collected my (VERY LARGE) ticket, and prayed that the E train would arrive before I broke any more laws.

I should have just stepped on her and called it a day. They can't arrest you for stepping on a tiny cop can they?