Don't mess with a woman who has to pee

I saw the best thing ever on my way home from Ellis Island Friday night. It was one o'clock in the morning and Walter, Latrice and I were sitting on the train at South Street Seaport trying to get our butts home. Unfortunately this drunk guy showed up and decided to park himself in the middle of the closing doors. The doors shut, pinning him between them, but instead of moving he just continued to stand there. The doors closed again ("YOU! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIN! THE TRAIN CAN'T MOVE UNLESS YOU STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS!") but the guy wouldn't budge.

Sitting across from us were three big, beautiful black women on their way to a club - tight little miniskirts, gold strappy stilettos, Beyonce hair weaves, the whole nine yards - and were clearly not in the mood for drunk guy bullshit interrupting their night. (The three of us were pretty pissed off too, since he was the only thing standing between us and our beds.) The women started shouting at him to get on or get off, but the drunk guy (who was obviously too inebriated to realize who he was dealing with) just stared at them and slurred, "Fuck you!" Needless to say, this was the wrong move. The ringleader, a Queen Latifa type goes, "WHAT did you just say to me?!" and the idiot gestured for her to bring it on. I'm not entirely sure what happened next (as Walter put it, "All I saw were assholes and elbows") but all three women immediately swooped up, closed in on the guy and shoved his ass right onto the station platform, just as the doors closed.

The three of us were just there with our mouths hanging open (I was saying a silent prayer that the doors wouldn't open and let the guy back in) but the women were hooting and hollering, cracking themselves up. Latifa kept saying, "You gonna call me out? You gonna call me out?! Don't fuck with me when I gotta PEE! He's lucky I didn't hit him with my damn shoe!" (It was lucky. A gold stiletto to the crotch wouldn't have been pretty.) She had quite a rant going ("I could'a cut his ass! I gotta pee!") and didn't seem at all bothered by three sweaty white folks dissolving into hysterics across the car. It totally made our night.