God works in mysterious ways

I've had a cold all week, leaving me stuffed up and chapped nosed and generally pissy. And of course this week I've suddenly had a wave of auditions. The first one was for Verizon; I was supposed to be a bride or a bridesmaid. ("Dress is casual, but bride-like.") After realizing that I don't own a single article of white clothing, I decided to just screw it and wear jeans. There I was tanked up on Nyquil, only able to mouth-breathe, surrounded by perky young things dressed like they were ready for mint julips on the porch. We had to improvise being at a bridal shop and blah and blah and text message and blah. I'm nodding and pretending to pay attention when all I'm really thinking is "kleenex" and about the fact that I've never sent a text message in my life. (I think instead of texting I just dialed.)

Shockingly enough, no callback.

The next day I had an audition for Hallmark where we had to laugh on cue. For those of you who think, Yeah, so? Trust me - it's really fucking hard. We were handed a fake Hallmark card then told to open it and laugh in one of five different ways.

1. Hold sides and laugh.
2. Hold sides and laugh until you fall down.
3. Make a hiss-like laugh.
4. Laugh until you start to cry.
5. Snort-laugh.

Aside from Missy (who might be able to do #5) , I don't know anyone who can laugh on cue and sound authentic. There's a commercial running now where a guy who's test-driving a car laughs hysterically for, like, three minutes. He deserves some kind of statuette, for reals. The shit is hard - especially when you can't breathe out of your nose.

Then I had an audition for Pilot Pens. They were looking for an "Elaine from Seinfeld" character so I kicked up my general state of neurosis and hauled myself there. Usually when casting people give a character description, it's just a guideline. The Pilot folks wanted Eliane from Seinfeld. The only people they were interested in were the ones with long, curly, dark hair. I have short, curly, red hair.

Shockingly, no callback.

I'm not a religious person, but occasionally I send out little shout-outs to the Man Upstairs. As I was saying my nightly prayers, I threw one in asking for an audition that I was actually right for (yes, I also pray for peace and shit. Leave me alone.) and lo and behold what do I end up having an audition for today?! NYQUIL! That's RIGHT! I had to play a girl with a really bad cold! Who can't breathe and just wants to take some Nyquil and go to bed! Seriously, it was spooky!

From now on I'm going to be very careful about what I pray for. I think I have some powers, kids.