Help me, Obi Wan Kenobis. You're my only hope.
Here’s the thing - my husband quits his job and I suddenly feel the need to spend large amounts of money. To whit:
- $400 for a new TV (if you’re only going to buy a TV once every ten years, might as well make it a flat screen!)
- $135 for the dentist (a necessary evil)
- $1500 for gym memberships (that’s after our Manhattan Plaza discounts)
- $495 for a commercial class (to update my skills and shamelessly network with the casting director who’s teaching it)
- $100 every other week for voiceover classes (see above)
- $35 for gigantic box of Seventh Generation toilet paper from the newly launched Amazon.com grocery (46 rolls, peeps! We won’t have to buy TP for, like, six months! Did I mention free shipping?)
I’m sure there’s more (I’m ignoring my Banana Republic sprees) but you get my drift. Granted, some of these expenditures were necessary (the dentist, TP) and some can be written off (the dentist, my classes, perhaps even the TV for, ahem, “research”), but it doesn’t change the fact that we’re forking out cash hand over fist, whatever the hell that means.
That said, help me convince Matt that I need to get my teeth bleached.
I hate the color of my teeth. They’re yellowy and… yellowy and although it’s not as noticeable in natural light, on film (and in photos) it’s pretty pronounced. I’ve tried the White Strips and stupid toothpastes but because my front teeth are bonded, all they do is make the surrounding teeth lighter which equals hours of talk-downs of the “It doesn’t look that bad” variety. Frankly, I’m done. I want pretty teeth. I’m not talking veneers – we all know how I feel about celebrities and their Damon-esque choppers – just something a little brighter. I discussed it with my student dentist yesterday and she has it all planned out: Remove the bonding (which I have to do because it’s chipping anyway), bleach my teeth to a whiter but still completely believable shade and then, if necessary, replace the bonding. Over the years I’ve comparison shopped and bonding alone ranges from $250 - $400 a tooth. Bleaching runs about a grand. At NYU Dental, they charge $300 for full-mouth bleaching. If I want a home bleaching kit (should I decide I need to re-bleach down the road) it’s another $100, and if they have to replace the bonding it’s a mere $65 a tooth. While I realize this laundry list of costs interests exactly nobody, I’m trying to point out the SPECTACULAR SAVINGS. I mean with everything, we’re looking at roughly 500 clams. (I know, I know.) I discussed this with Matt last night and while he didn’t laugh out loud, I could tell he wasn’t exactly convinced. I even tried the ol’ “maybe we can write it off as a business expense” technique but he pointed out that boob jobs aren’t tax deductible, so chances are my teeth won’t be either. (Dammit.) I also realize that if I do get my way (I mean, “once the understands the importance”) I will be forced to spend the rest of my life forgoing red wine and drinking coffee from a straw (if I’m spending $500 on these fuckers, I ain’t messing them up) but that’s a price I’m willing to pay. Don’t get me wrong, squirrelly teeth can be oddly sexy (see ROTH, TIM) but yellow teeth? Never.
So whatdya say? I’ve got some convincing arguers here (Boyer, Virgil, Gunderman – I’m talking to you) and plenty of people with pull (family members, fellow geeks – that’s your cue). Help a lady out. Let’s work together to make my mouth a better place.
posted by Ali @ 9:24 AM
4 Comments:
Don't know how much help I can be, but I too, have thought about going the tooth bleaching route. Problem is, along with not having dental insurance, I HATE dentists. Hate 'em. And the idea of giving them my hard-earned money on a cosmetic thing -- well, it makes my teeth ache. That, and I don't know that I'd be able to deal with the goo, or bleach, or whatever they use to do the bleaching. I have issues.
All that aside, someday, yes, I will bleach my teeth. Because I'm with you, Ali, and it's a major part of your smile,and I wouldn't want to turn off anyone (even myself), with yellowy teeth.
I am with KTBuffy on the dentist thing. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT SOME MORE.
I have been looking in to the sedation dentistry thing, but that kind of freaks me out too.
A hopeless case am I.
I find promising certain ahh.. favors helps in getting one's way.
Any major gift giving occasions coming up? That does sound like a pretty fair deal price wise.
I will try and get people around this house who usually argue well to put in his 2 cents. I can't promise what he will come up with though. You know how he gets. I can promise that it will be entertaining which is always good.
AMAZON GROCERY!????!!! That shit is awesome. I hate going to the grocery store almost as much as the dentist. The idea of shopping for (many) of the grocery items I need from the comfort of my home...I...it's...I mean....there are no words.
Talking Point #1 - You will look more like his favorite super-heroine when you role play (Power Girl does NOT have yellow teeth).
Talking Point #2 - Should the electricity go out, you will be able to find your way around the apartment by the brightness of your smile.
Talking Point #3 - You'll be drinking coffee through a straw! What a conversation starter! No more awkward fumbling for small talk with friends and strangers.
Talking Point #4 - Remember all of the time you used to spend putting white-out on your teeth on the pictures in your photo albums - that time is now SuperHeroine Role Playing Time! (See Talking Point #1).
Talking Point #5 - If he's not supportive, he'll just be forcing you to find some other Bleach Daddy who is.
Talking Point #6 – Start looking up how much his geek stuff sells for on ebay, but do it while he’s in the room. Then start keeping a list. A geek will go to any length to keep his hoard intact, and if it comes down to holding on to the Unique Amazo or putting some dental work on the credit card, you’ll be getting the complete course.
Talking Point #7 - The money you'll be spending on teeth bleaching is really a pittance compared to the billions the Bush administration has spent on an illegal and immoral war. Don't you deserve some happiness in a world filled with such horror and injustice?
Talking Point #8 - If having whiter teeth gets you ONE more commercial that the yellow teeth would have lost you, the residuals alone will pay for the upfront costs. (Of course this is the exact same line of logic that says, “If I buy $10,000 worth of lottery tickets and just ONE wins $1,000,000, then I’m money ahead,” but you don’t have to point that out.)
Talking Point #9 - He can pretend to be supportive of it while bitching about it incessantly on his blog. Granted it's not great for your relationship, but at least he'll be posting something on his damn blog(s).
Talking Point #10 – Ask him if he supports education. When he says, “Yes,” tell him you do too and that the two of you will be giving a shitload of money to a very deserving student dentist.
Now really... wouldn't Matt *want* your mouth to be a better place? Especially if he realized a happy mouth would be more inclined to find itself around his better places!
Post a Comment
<< Home