I had baked chicken marsalla, vegetable and rice pilaf, and sweet cherries covered in a dark chocolatey sauce...

I had an audition for Lean Cuisine the other day. They're all pretty much the same - three normal women lamenting their miserable dinner choices and the "I had blah-blah and blah-blah and it was all LEAN CUISINE" lady you just want to slap. I was feeling pretty good - I can do "I love to overeat" with the best of them - until I got to the audition. I'd been babysitting all morning so I was a little on the sweaty/disheveled side but figured hey, Lean Cuisine ladies probably have kids, right? They could be a little sweatastic. So I'm scanning over the lines ("I entered my own, personal, pie eating contest", "I cleaned out my cookie jar") when a group of us were called in. I wasn't too worried because nobody has more than one line, except the poor Lean Cuisine Woman. THANK GOD I'M NOT GOING IN FOR THAT ROLE.* So the casting director lines us up. Tall, skinny woman # 1 gets "I had a salad and a carton of vanilla fudge swirl". Tall, skinny woman #2 gets the pie eating line. (Dammit!) Tall, skinny woman #3 gets the cookie jar line. (Double dammit!) And I - the short, frizzy-headed overeater - get stuck with the Lean Cuisine monologue. The monologue I hadn't even bothered to look at because it was clear to anyone with eyes that I AM NOT LEAN CUISINE MATERIAL! Not that I'm fat or anything but the Lean Cuisine woman is just so... adult. So clean and neat and not at all funny! Any one of the other women would have been perfect but nooooo. Fuck all.

So I stumbled along. Sweatastically. It will probably shock you to learn that I did not get a callback.





(*Note the foreshadowing.)