Seriously, cover a dog turd in almond butter and I'll eat it. You just watch.

Hallelujah, I'm back from the dead! (Or at least the really, really busy.) Mom has been safely depositied back in Tornado Town (Miss you, mom!), my feet have recovered from the mecca that is IKEA, and I've developed a squirrelly devotion to baked beans and almond butter. Such was my week.

IKEA. Man.

It's so not cool to dig IKEA. Sooooo not cool. But good goddamn they have MEATBALLS, people. Swedish ones! Meatballs covered in cream sauce and lingonberries and served with potatoes for $4, along with cake and salmon and cool Swedish potato chips. And their furniture looks awesome. Sure, it's all made from particle board and spit but where else can you buy a sofa for $200? Give me a working shower and a cable hookup and I could move right in. (I think a reporter did that once, just moved right in for the day to see if IKEA would kick him out. Of course they didn't. They are Swedish, after all.)

I seem to have hit an interesting place in my commercial career. I figured once I entered my (ahem) "golden years", I'd be shilling for the mommy products. Swiffers, toilet bowl cleaners, Lunchables... you know, things that require a certain 30-something Midwestern charm. Instead, I recently auditioned to play a bottle of water.

Yesterday I was a vitamin.

Which begs the question, What does one wear to play a vitamin?