I have a bone to pick with Banana Republic.

Everybody knows I loves my BR. We are tight. We are buds. We are practically kin. They provide me with a non-stop sale rack and I help put their CEO's kids through college. It's a solid working relationship.

Not no more.

Because I am a LUXE cardmember (see: "putting their kids through college"), I get invited to various LUXE-only events. In-store previews, first-looks... the usuals. But a few weeks ago I was invited to preview their new summer line. I was about to toss the invite until something sparked my interest: they were promising free cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. Now that alone would've gotten me there. Five years of shilling miniature food left me with an intense desire to experience life on the other side of the silver tray. But free food didn't compare to what I noticed next:

Goodie bags.

Please. That is the trifeca of awesomeness for a grubby little freebie lover. Sure the gift was probably a ball of crap gift rolled in tissue paper but as long as I didn't have to pay for it...

I'm not sure if you heard but I threw my back out last week. Sunday through Thursday was spent cro-magnon style, hunched over like ______ (insert something hunchy here). It was a big ball of suck. But on Friday, suddenly everything relaxed. I could walk! I COULD WALK! Hail the healing power of free crap!

In an effort to take advantage of my renewed independence I decided to forgo the train, electing to walk to the event. 50 blocks later I arrived at the golden gate: the flagship BR store. Needless to say, I was psyched. I'd spent a significant portion of my walk imagining the possible gift options, and while I was fairly certain it wouldn't be amazing ("Grab anything you want! After all, you're a LUXE member!") I wasn't giving up hope.

Then I saw the crowd of angry women.

Remember the invite? The one that was used to determine how many goodie bags to provide? Apparently you were supposed to BRING IT. It didn't matter that our names were on the list - the list we were only able to access because we'd received THE INVITATION - only people who actually brought the damn thing would be given the free gift.

I almost started bawling right there in the store.

So BR and I are done. Finished. I suspect BR will try to win me back with tokens of affection but I've seen its true heart (its lying, reneging heart) and I am through. Do Not Ye Promise Yon Goodie Bag That Ye Cannot Delivereth! That is the message of the day, folks. That is the message of the day.