Mmm! Assy!

I was perusing another one of my time wasters the other day (and by “time wasters” I mean “interesting and educational websites”). It’s a site called Interesting Thing of the Day. The concept is pretty simple - every day this guy discovers and researches an interesting thing. The other day he posted an entry about kefir, which is sort of a yogurt-based drink. Apparently it’s an incredible probiotic, great for balancing your intestinal flora and fauna, and super-super good for you. I happen to love things that are super-super good for me (with the exception of kale) and if something’s going to make me poop, I feel a strange compulsion to try it. Anyway, I was at the local farmer’s market yesterday and low and behold there was a stand selling cheese, yogurt, and – heavens to Betsy – kefir. And there was only ONE BOTTLE LEFT. Clearly fate was taking an interest in my intestinal needs! I grabbed the remaining bottle, giddy that this opportunity had practically fallen into my lap. Who knew what was next? Movie scripts? A labradoodle? The possibilities were endless.

“You might want to sweeten it a little,” the farmer said, eyeing me. Yeah, yeah - just give me the bottle, bub. I ran home, anxious to try out this new taste treat. For the record, I love yogurt. And none of that “fruit” sweetened, corn syrup-and-food-coloring Gogurt-type crap. I’m hardcore – I eat it plain. I poured myself a nice tall glass of the stuff and took a healthy swig.

Folks, that shit was nasty. It was like drinking runny sour cream, but way more gross. Plus it smells like feet. I could not gag it down. I was about to throw it away until my conscience started up. (“But it’s so goooood for you.”) So this morning I decided to give it another go, only this time I took Farmer John’s advice. I planned on sweetening it with something natural like maple syrup but unfortunately the only bottle we had was from 2001 and the syrup had hardened into something molecularly similar to granite. Undaunted, I continued poring through the cabinets. Honey? Nah. Sugar? Nah. What on earth was I to use?

Let’s just say this – a big mound of Ghiradelli cocoa does wonders. (Before ye judge too harshly, Farmer John told me that one of his customers sweetens his with Strawberry Qwik.)