Oy vey.
Just so you all know, I'm going to Hell.
Why, you may ask would a sweet little dumpling like myself be cast into the eternal fires of damnation? Why would someone so somewhat saintly be cast out and sent to live with the snakes and the demons and the... the, uh... fire...things? Why would someone with such fantastic red curls, not to mention a spectacular singing voice, be denied entrance to those pearly, pearly gates?
I might've flipped off an old lady.
(I'm not saying I did... but she was a really bitchy old lady.)
STILL! You don't flip off old ladies! At least not in front of their faces! My mama raised me better than that. I don't know what came over me... Scratch that, I know exactly what came over me. I was at the Lexington Avenue station waiting for the train which is always about sixteen different types of awful. (The place is known for its stench - there have been write ups about it in the Times, it's that fucking bad. Apparently sewer water is trapped behind the walls and has been left there to molder - is that a word? If not, it should be - for years. We've hit a spell of 90-ish degree heat and the combination of mold and poop water... well, suffice it to say, it's something else.) Anyway, there was a problem on the tracks so the place was packed. Then I noticed a parting in the crowd. Like an industrious mole burrowing its way through fields, something short was moving through. Then I saw her; a tiny old babushka grandma with a wrinkly face and a fierce expression. Now I love myself a babushka grandma. Almost are on the adorable side - but not this one; she was sporting a stoop and a snarl. "GET OUT OF MY WAY!" she squawked as she smacked her chubby little forearm into an ususpecting Asian tourist. She immediately barreled into a black girl who was trying to give her some room. ("YOU'RE IN MY WAY!") Then I realized she was headed for me. There was nowhere to go - people were standing three deep. If you moved too much you risked shoving someone into the tracks. Suddenly, there she was. "ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE IN MY WAY!" she shouted as she lifted her tiny little fist to, what? Shake it at me? Punch me in the gut? I mean really, who knew? That babushka was capable of anything!
Now I could've gone two ways with this. The nice way (or as I like to call it, "Matt's way") which would have been to realize that the little woman was small and half-blind and that it was my responsibility as the bigger person to show her a little respect,
or...
I calmly put my hand under her nose, extended my middle finger and held it there for a good three seconds.
I won't say it felt good because it didn't... really. (Okay, for a second it did.) But I believe that God punishes the wicked, I truly do. And right about now I figure I've got some kind of nastiness coming from the Big Guy Upstairs. "Thou shalt not flip the bird to thyne elders". That's in the Bible somewhere, right?
Don't get me started on the $5 I practically stole from some lady on the street. (I'm working on repaying that, I swear!)
posted by Ali @ 10:52 PM
7 Comments:
Well I will be there to keep you company what with my big belly laugh at your description.
That and I am still convinced that bad things are coming my way for saying out loud that I thought the Pope's death was worth a state holiday.
Maybe a few other things too....
My little old grandmother once chastised me for being overly polite to a surly old man in a cafeteria. He was quite rude to me and I, as a teenager in the company of my grandmother, was quite deferential to him.
She gave him the what for, and told me I was too polite to him. I said, "but, Grandma, he's an old man."
She said, "if he's mean as an old mean, he was mean as a young man. Trust me, I've been around 'em long enough to know."
In short, don't feel too bad. Being old doesn't entitle one to act like an arse.
Oh, Ali, if it's that bad that you're stealing fivers from people on the street... I will let Keeley move in with you, help out on the rent.
I know, I know, I'm very generous.
y'know, that's the beauty of living in the big city - you can totally offend/accost someone and more than likely never see them again.
Here, in lil ole Mason, Texas - if I flipped somebody the bird they'd be sitting behind me in church on Sunday, "Jerri, why'd you shoot me the finger on Tuesday at the stop sign?"
Sounds like babushka grandma deserved to hit tha tracks!
.. but did she pull up and stop acting like a pill? Putting a stop to her diva demeanor any bad karma your finger salute may have incurred.
If she pulled up and actually laughed, tally the good karma, with no demerit. At least you had the courage do to what everyone else wanted to do.
I would agree that being old does not give you license to be a beyatch.
Not to say that you aren't going to Hell, of course...
Good for you for not discriminating against the elderly!
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