Are those frown lines?!
My ability to panic is unparalleled. While I wouldn’t classify myself as a hypochondriac, I am highly attuned to potential problems. Today, for example. Today I am fairly convinced that I just maybe might have skin cancer, probably. I have a freckle on my upper right shoulder that’s a little darker than the others. A little more menacing, as it were. Of course I immediately googled “skin cancer+freckle” and discovered pictures that look a bit like mine. Granted, they were grainy and small, but so’s my freckle. So I immediately got on the phone with my insurance to try and find a dermatologist. It’s always weird to pick a doctor randomly from a list. I generally go with the person that has either A: the nicest sounding name or B: the most professional answering machine message. After rejecting three doctors immediately because their messages featured gravelly-voiced women with strident “Nu Yawk” honks, I found a doctor with a nice name and an even nicer assistant. Unfortunately she didn’t have any openings until September.
September.
I MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE SKIN CANCER, MAYBE! I can’t wait until SEPTEMBER! Which is exactly what I shouted at the nice assistant who immediately bumped me to July 7th. The way I figure it, my squirrelly freckle is a hell of a lot more important than some Park Avenue society maven’s umpteenth appointment for Botox. (By the way, does anybody watch TLC’s Ten Years Younger? Aside from having the most annoying host in all of television history – the uber-flaming dark haired guy, not the saucy and adorable Josh Greene - the dermatologist they use has clearly taken to self-medicating. Put the Botox down, lady! Damn!)
Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes. In the meantime I’m preparing for four days in Ft. Lauderdale with the dad. I’ve never been to Ft. Lauderdale. I hear they have alligators there. Did you know that there’ve been three gator attacks in Florida over the last few weeks? Chewed to death by a prehistoric creature - that’s a grisly way to go. Remind me not to go near any marshland. Or rivers. Gators don’t live in the ocean, right? JELLYFISH! Aw, crap, I forgot about the jellyfish… (Not that I should be going to the beach at all, what with my freckle.)
What the fuck am I going to do in Ft. Lauderdale?
posted by Ali @ 9:13 AM
5 Comments:
I think -- and this is scientific study of many years of the Atlantic Ocean, as evidenced by beach time on the Jersey Shore -- that the jellyfish don't hit until late August. Even if they work their way up the coast, they shouldn't bother you in Fort Lauderdale at this time of year.
Good luck with the dermatologist, though! I love mine, too, though ours is a much less frequent relationship than in years past. I should fix that.
Dude,I didn't realize Mark Montano was on that show! He is way ghey.
His rooms on While You Were Out always look colorful. But I still think he fights the urge to put a bare-chested, dancing cowboy light display in every design.
The makeup artist on 10 Years always makes me crack up. Call him Miss Ross.
Dancing cowboy light display... Between you and Jlow's "Cry Little Sister" reference about the Corey's, you are both tied for title of My New Hero.
If freckles were a sign of skin cancer, my dear, my spouse would have died years ago.
What can you do in Fort Lauderdale? Maybe test a new deodorant/antiperspirant. Maybe listen to your hair frizz up from the humidity. Maybe stay inside where it's air conditioned and read a good book. If it's anything like Miami, weather-wise, be sure to bring an umbrella! Florida sucks. But that's just my opinion. Try to make the best of it, dear. I'll be doing the closest thing to praying I can do for you, okay? Just keep telling yourself it's only a few days.
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