Jesus Freak: Warning - blasphemy ahead.
There's nothing like death to bring up those nagging little questions. "What's my purpose in life?", "Is there a God?" You know, the usuals. I was raised about as close to agnostic as you can get, setting foot in a church only when absolutely necessary. (Weddings, Concert Choir performances) Maybe because of that, I have a fairly strong aversion to all things preachy or overtly spiritual, be it conservative Christian or floaty yogi. I even get a little tense when people refuse to take God's name in vain, the whole "Oh my gosh" thing, like God really minds. (Or does he? Excuse me, "He".) That said, I pray every night to... someone. Someone I choose to call God. I've never really thought about who I was praying to; just a general, benevolent being. But watching Shirley pass away made me want to have faith in something. Call it fear-based, I don't care, but the idea of faith seems interesting to me now in a way it never was before. So on Sunday Matt and I went to church. We decided on Episcopalian ("Catholic lite") because of their liberal views (homosexuals okay, women can be leaders). They also have, in my opinion, the coolest church in the city - St. John the Divine! Peacocks walking around the gardens, sculpture everywhere, a fantastic art exhibit (check it out, for reals) . They even do a Blessing of the Animals once a year and you can bring your pet to be blessed. (I think I read that when the circus was in town they brought an elephant up.)
I wasn't really prepared for the service. It was very long and there was a lot of singing. I love it when they sing but there was a whole lot of participatory stuff which was awkward since I didn't know the songs. That said, I sort of enjoy the pomp and understand that it's to help get you to a heightened state (thanks, Suz) but I can't quite surrender when it comes to stuff like "Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to Him" and the whole "We confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed by what we have done" and the asking for forgiveness... I start to feel guilty and then I get pissed because what am I feeling guilty about and what do they mean that anyone who doesn't believe in Christ doesn't belong to Him? So Buddhists don't belong to him? (Wait, do Buddhists believe in God?) So someone who lives a decent life, tries to treat people well, but doesn't believe in God will go to Hell (if there even is a Hell. I'm not so sure about that.) but someone who rapes and murders but before dying takes Christ into their heart gets a free pass? Am I supposed to buy that? And the Virgin Mary story - I'm having trouble suspending disbelief on that one. Matt pointed out that it's called a LEAP of faith, not a "gentle glide" of faith, but still. Suzannah suggested that I look to the story behind the Virgin Mary, listen to the point of it, and that helps a little - but I can't let go of the scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant! Which sort of shoots the whole "faith in a higher being" thing straight out of the water.
The sermon itself was great, about the bombings in London and fear and faith and hope (it was surprisingly political) and I got the feeling that this particular Reverend would probably be pretty cool about my questions, but I still feel like I shouldn't have them. Or not that I shouldn't but that my eye rolling is going to get in the way of finding a Larger Truth. (It'll definitely get me in trouble with the Big Guy. If there is a Big Guy. Will he - HE! - be pissed that I'm calling him "Big Guy"?)
I don't know. I just don't know.
posted by Ali @ 2:59 PM
7 Comments:
All of your questions are very familiar to me. Unfortunately, for all the time I've been asking them, I haven't come up with any good answers except for this:
It's okay not to know. And I can't imagine that any benevolent deity would rather you lie about your uncertainty.
You might try the Church of Christ. Oddly enough, they're not as hung up on the Christ aspect of things. They're also the ones that just decided to support gay marriage publicly.
You might also try Quaker meetings. No, I'm not joking.
I'm thinking of Unitarian Universalist myself. Tends to attract recovering everything-else. But I think it depends on the pastor person. I went to a great place in Boulder but when they got a new pastor it didn't keep my interest.
I have a question that I keep in my back pocket for feeling out religious or spiritual people and that is 'Is Gandhi going to hell?' I figure it will tell me a lot about what the person believes, how conservative they are, etc. I haven't used it much, but I intend to dammit!
There's nothing wrong with believing in a Supreme Being without being a member of an organized "faith". I don't think you need a building full of other believers in order to have personal faith in God. If you live your life with the ability to distinguish between good and bad and you can let go without regrets when your time comes, if there is indeed a heaven, you'll get there.
Are there Quakers in New York? (I suddenly have an idea for a reality show...)
Quakers no longer look like the oatmeal fella, as much as you'd like them to.
Not even going to wade into all this except to suggest a book. "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis. It is a short story that looks at how and why people choose wether they are going to spend eternity with God ("Heaven") or not ("Hell"). Regrettably, I don't know how it reads to someone who has not spent their life steeped in the Faith. But, since Lewis himself was an athiest at one point, he may communicate the issues well.
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