I could do that. No seriously, I could.

Got up bright and early Sunday to work a brunch at Christie's - a pre-auction exhibition of modern art. Lots of bad facelifts (on men as well as women), a surprising number of tots, a model or two (including Veronica Webb, for those who care. And yes, she ate). All in all the kind of crowd you'd expect at an event that offered free booze at 10:30 in the morning.

It's easy to make fun of modern art... because it's SO EASY TO MAKE FUN OF MODERN ART. Now I'm sure all you art snobs out there are just waiting to rip into me about how this stuff is "conceptual" and "original" and I'm soooo provincial because I only like pretty art but seriously, come on. Now I'm not including Calder or Rothko or even Basquiat: Calder made whimsical toys, invented the mobile and bore a striking resemblance to Santa, Rothko's paintings pack a visceral punch in person and deserve some serious wall space and Basquiat - well, I kind of liked the piece they had so I'm cutting him some slack. But the rest was crap covered crap with crap filling. Some of it literally. I'm talking to you Jeff Koons.

Since none of us were remotely interested in pretending to purchase any of it, we waiters entertained ourselves by playing "Which Piece Is The Dumbest?" The universal winner: a group of stuffed animals clumped together, hanging from a rope. Starting price: $180,000. (I loved watching the little kids make a beeline for it while their parents raced after them, freaking the hell out.)

Other winners:

- A bundle of recycled newspapers from 1986. (This piece was from the Whitney Biannual. A fellow waiters' mother made the egregious error of assuming they were a bundle of recycled newspapers from 1986 instead of a valuable piece of - ahem - "art" and sat on them.)
- A canvas with a date painted on it. (Astute waitress Carol Dan pointed out that this must have been "the date he realized he could make a lot of money painting crap like this.")
- An unbelievably graphic sculpture of two people fucking, carved out of amethyst. (Lest you think this sounds reasonably arty, picture a bunch of gaping maws filled with scrambled eggs standing next to a surprisingly large pair of testicles.)

Highlights from previous years included a loofa, a bag of kitty litter and an enormous sculpture of an elephant covered in a cape, so that all you could see were his eyes and his feet. (I heard that last one was actually really cute - and almost 10 feet tall. Where would you put it?)